30 Jan 2012

Friendship Fribbles


You know, I always thought that friendship was never dependent on outside influences. But then I recently had my mind changed for me when I saw that it is in fact the very opposite.
Have you ever been in a group where two people end up seeing each other and which leaves the group on the fringe and brings in a difference in the texture of the fabric of friendship? Or been one those friends side lined because one of the partners did not want to involve you and therefore your friend also decided that you held no importance to them anymore?
What brought this thought to mind was the observation that my relationship with a really good friend was suffering because my relationship with his girlfriend was not as it used to be.
So what really brought on the change?? I got thinking, is it me and my habit of distancing myself from people when I’m not comfortable around them anymore, or was it something more? Is it necessary that it is either’s fault? The questions pinged on my mind one after another, like the bees flying homing in on the one threat that they perceive to their hive.
I wanted to examine this change in my life. Rip it apart and conduct an autopsy. Like any other time I wanted to blame myself but then I decided that for once I did not want to see my self as the guilty party simply because I refused to let myself be hurt anymore and took steps to prevent such an occurrence. After all I believe that one can plead self-defense in matters of life and death.
And so began my journey of revelations.
I reached two conclusions: that a romantic relationship between an older woman and a younger man, causes an age anxiety in the woman and a deference complex in the man.
And that every human wears a mask at all times but this not a mask to deceive people, it is just a fa├žade to protect the heart that is easily bruised. The tenderer is the heart, the harsher the mask. The world has already taught the value of not displaying weakness to its citizens well.
This then was the source of all my angst. My friend bowing to his woman was as natural a thing as possible, to him, just as my withdrawing to avoid hurt was equally natural to me. So was this then the meeting of the rock and a hard place? Why do we assume that simply because we are in a close relationship we cannot have friends independent of each other’s social circle? It is extremely common to find such couples constantly deferring to each other’s personalities and if it’s the kind of a couple with an older woman, god forbid lest the guy do something not pleasing to his woman! One can almost see the bow being made as he acquiesces to her wishes. Losing one’s identity seems an obvious result, which is ironical because that’s what attracted their partner to them in the first place (at least it is to be hoped that it did!) one can argue this all they want, call it adjustment or getting to know each other, but the truth as seems to me is the simple fact that we are afraid that if we don’t comply with our loved one’s wishes they would leave us. So does that justify people leaving old friends for their newer interests?
I do not know, maybe to the person in such a situation, it is justified but ask the friends who have been put in a similar position of having become redundant.I do not know if things will ever get back to the way they were between me and my friend but I do know that I do not want to be friends with someone whose relationship with me depends on my relationship with his girlfriend.
It is a painful reality to lose one friend but to lose another solely by proxy, and to find no reason is agony still. I wonder if the feeling of inadequacy ever completely leaves us.
So why is it that the more important a relationship is, the more prone it is to outside influences?? Funny question that…

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